The Goldilocks Principle: Finding the “Just Right” Balance Between Structure and Nurture
“What if I was too blunt in that session?”
You know that post-session spiral—the one where you stare at your notes thinking, “Did I say too much?” or “Did I not say enough?”
Every therapist has been there. You care deeply, you want to help, and sometimes you overthink every word after the client walks out.
That tug-of-war between structure (boundaries, direction, interventions) and nurture (empathy, warmth, connection) is what we call the Goldilocks Principle—finding the “just right” balance that helps you show up grounded, effective, and still yourself.
Not too hot. Not too cold. Just right.
Because when a session feels off—too rigid, too loose, too emotional, too detached—it’s usually not about the skill or the treatment plan.
It’s about your internal balance as a therapist.
In this episode of the Gettin’ Gritty Podcast, we (Stef & Cathy) talk about the real stuff—the awkward middle, the self-doubt, the moments that keep you up at night replaying how you handled something.
We’ll help you unpack how to:
Recognize your natural tendencies (are you more structure or more nurture?)
Recalibrate mid-session when you feel off
Hold boundaries without guilt
Be direct without losing empathy
Build confidence through self-awareness, not self-criticism
Because therapy isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up real, staying curious, and learning to find that “just right” rhythm for you and your clients.
The Goldilocks Principle for Therapists
Let’s be honest—you’ve probably had at least one of these thoughts:
“I think I came on too strong.”
“Maybe I should’ve pushed harder.”
“I feel like I was too nice and didn’t challenge them enough.”
Sound familiar? Yeah, us too.
Remember the old story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears? One chair was too big, one was too small, one was just right. One bed was too hard, one too soft, one…yep, just right. Turns out, that story isn’t just about porridge, it’s about us.
As therapists, we’re constantly adjusting:
Too much nurture, and you avoid hard truths.
Too much structure, and you risk losing connection.
The work is learning when to lean into each, and having the grit to check in with yourself when you’ve drifted too far either way.
“Your clients don’t need perfect. They need present.”
From TBRI to Self-Awareness: What We Learned About Balance
We first heard about this “balance” idea years ago during our TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) training with Dr. Karyn Purvis and her team at TCU.
We expected family tools.
We came home with self-awareness.
TBRI taught us that true connection—whether in parenting, therapy, or supervision—comes from a balance of structure and nurture.
And when we started teaching that to others, we realized: it applies just as much to the therapist as it does to the client.
“You can’t model regulation for someone else if you’re not grounded yourself.”
That realization shaped everything about how we show up—as clinicians, supervisors, and humans who are still learning to get it “just right.”
When You Lean Too Far Into Nurture
“I didn’t want to upset them… but now I think I avoided what really needed to be said.”
Stef knows that feeling. Early in her career, she wanted to be the nice therapist—sweet, gentle, never the one to make things uncomfortable.
But she quickly realized that sometimes, her kindness cost her clarity. She’d sense something important but hesitate to name it, then leave the session thinking, Ugh. I should’ve said something.
Her turning point? Learning how to be direct without losing warmth.
“My biggest growth point was learning how to address hard things—kindly, but clearly.”
Because real care doesn’t always look gentle. Sometimes it looks like truth-telling—with compassion.
When You Lean Too Far Into Structure
“I care so much, but I think I sounded cold.”
Cathy has always been confident in structure—she’s the “let’s figure this out” type. Clear, practical, organized.
But early on, she realized her directness sometimes landed as detached. Her vision of “progress” didn’t always match where the client was.
Like the foster mom she worked with who struggled with family dinners—Cathy had a clear plan, but the mom wasn’t there yet. “My grit grew when I learned to let go of my timeline—and trust hers.”
That’s what we call aggressive patience—staying invested without pushing your agenda. It’s that steady middle ground where structure meets empathy.
Grit Nugget: Self-Reflection Builds Confidence
“If I admit I don’t know what I’m doing, will they think I’m not cut out for this?”
We’ve both been there.
Here’s your gritty nugget for the week:
“You can’t find your balance until you know which side you lean on.”
Pause and check in:
Are you naturally more nurturing or more structured?
Where might you need to stretch?
How does that spill into the rest of your life—your relationships, your parenting, your energy?
Then ask someone who knows you well: your supervisor, your therapist BFF, even your partner. Ask them how they see you. Their answer might be the feedback you didn’t know you needed.
“The more you know yourself, the steadier you’ll feel when things get messy.”
The Grit Behind the Balance
Balance isn’t static. It’s alive, it moves with every client, every case, every week.
And honestly? It’s one of the hardest parts of this job.
When we talk about grit, we’re not just talking about perseverance—it’s self-awareness in motion.
Finding your “just right” balance looks like:
Catching your defaults (do you over-soothe or over-structure?)
Naming what’s really underneath—fear, fatigue, people-pleasing
Choosing curiosity over control
Giving yourself grace when you swing too far
Because once you see your own patterns, you can adjust mid-session—and that’s when you start feeling confident, not just competent.
A “Just Right” Practice for Grit Growth
Here’s a quick reflection you can do anytime (yes, even between sessions):
The Goldilocks Reset (2 minutes)
1️⃣ Pause: Take one slow breath before or after a session.
2️⃣ Ask: “Did I lean more structure or more nurture today?”
3️⃣ Adjust: What tiny shift would bring more balance next time?
4️⃣ Affirm: “I’m building grit by paying attention.”
That’s it. No worksheets, no guilt. Just self-awareness that builds confidence over tim
Why It Matters for Therapists (and Humans)
When you’re overly structured at work, you might notice you’re rigid at home.
When you over-nurture clients, you might find yourself over-functioning for everyone else too.
Naming that pattern helps you step back into alignment—one small recalibration at a time.
This isn’t just about therapy sessions. It’s about building a life that feels just right—steady, compassionate, and sustainable.
Final Takeaway: Be the “Just Right” Therapist
You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be present.
Therapist growth isn’t about mastering every skill, it’s about staying curious and brave enough to recalibrate when you’re off.
So as you grow your grit, remember:
You’re allowed to get it wrong.
You’re allowed to adjust.
You’re allowed to take up space while you figure it out.
Because “just right” isn’t a finish line. It’s a rhythm you build with practice, patience, and a whole lot of self-compassion.
Let’s get gritty,
Stef + Cathy
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
🎧 Feeling “too much” or “not enough” in session? Listen to The Goldilocks Principle episode:
📘 Want a quick confidence boost before your next client?
Download our free guide, 7 Ways to Get Gritty, for simple, “do-tomorrow” tools that help you pause, recalibrate, and get back to that just-right therapist rhythm.
🧠 Questioning if you’re a “good” therapist?
Our Sunday Scaries tools were made for exactly that…. The PDF Download and Tear-Off Notepad help you release the anxious replay loop, reset for Monday, and leave work at work. Shop the Sunday Scaries PDF | Shop the Tear-Off Notepad
📬 Need gentle reminders that you’re not alone in this work?
Join our weekly Gritty Therapist Newsletter for therapist-only pep talks, grounding practices, and stories that remind you growth happens in the messy middle. Subscribe for weekly grit + real talk.
So if you’ve ever thought, “I don’t know enough,” or felt like there’s a gap between theory and practical tools that you can start using tomorrow in client sessions, then we have some clinical resources that could work really well for you…👇
